All grown up but still irritating

A new study has found that a majority of ageing parents and adult children say they experience at least some tension and aggravation with one another.

However, parents generally are more bothered by the tensions – and the older the adult child, the greater the bother- according to the University of Michigan study. The findings are scheduled for publication in the journal, Psychology and Aging.

“The parent-child relationship is one of the longest lasting social ties human beings establish,” said Kira Birditt, lead author of the study and a researcher at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research (ISR).

“This tie is often highly positive and supportive, but it also commonly includes feelings of irritation, tension and ambivalence”.

For the study, supported by a grant from the National Institutes of Health, Ms Birditt and colleagues analysed data on 474 parents and adult children, all of whom lived less than 50 miles apart.

African Americans made up one-third of the sample and the rest were European Americans.

Parents and adult children in the same families had different perceptions of tension intensity, with parents generally reporting more intense tensions than children did, particularly regarding issues having to do with the children’s lifestyle or behavior (finances, housekeeping). According to Birditt, tensions may be more upsetting to parents than to children because parents have more invested in the relationship.

Both mothers and fathers reported more tension in their relationships with daughters than with sons. Daughters generally have closer relationships with parents that involve more contact, including caregiving, which may provide more opportunities for tensions in the parent-daughter tie.

Both adult sons and adult daughters reported more tension with their mothers than with their fathers, particularly about personality differences and unsolicited advice.

Ms Birditt found it surprising that parental perceptions of tension increased with the adult children’s age, particularly about topics having to do with how they interact, for example personality differences.

“Middle-aged children may be less invested in the parent-child tie than young adult children because they’re more likely to have formed their own families and experience multiple role demands that often include caregiving,” Ms Birditt said.

And as parents age and come to want or need more from their relationship with adult children, adult children may pull away, creating greater relationship tensions.

Although most parents and adult children experience at least a little tension, it was found that some topics were more harmful than others to parent-child relationships.

“Relationship problems like basic personality differences and parents providing unsolicited advice tend to cause more problems,” Ms Birditt said.

“It may be that these kinds of tensions are longer-term, and reflect deep-seated conflicts that you just can’t escape, whereas conflicts about lifestyles, education or finances can sort of be put off to the side if you make an effort”.